Being a mom is one of the most demanding jobs in the world.
And while women who take on paying work in addition to parenthood have their
hands full, they represent the majority of mothers. "Women at home with
their children represent only a small percentage of families in the U.S.,"
says Dr. Beth Anne Shelton, professor of sociology at University of Texas at
Arlington. Yet working moms-just like their stay-at-home counterparts-often
face harsh judgments from those who question their parenting situation. Here
are nine remarks working mothers hate to hear and what to do if someone says
one to you. Photo by Thinkstock
1. Do you really have to work?
"Most women (and men) work because they need the
earnings and/or health benefits," says Dr. Shelton. But a family's
financial situation isn't anyone else's business. And even if someone's sure a
family can survive on one parent's paychecks alone, they might use the second
income for "luxuries" like saving for their children's future college
education, explains Dr. Shelton.
Still, Terri Bly, a small business owner and mom from St.
Paul, MN, doesn't think mothers should feel bad about working when money isn't
a motivator. "I love my children more than my job, but I need the combination
of intellectual stimulation, pursuing my own goals and raising two amazing
little girls," she says. "My brain lights up when I have a balance of
career and home." Feel free to share that rationale with someone who asks
if you have to work-or simply say you're not comfortable discussing your
family's finances.
2. Aren't you concerned about not being there for your kids?
"Even when a mom's at work, the ultimate responsibility
for her children and their care lies with her," says Michelle LaRowe,
author of Working Mom's 411: How to Manage Kids, Career and Home. Besides,
children can benefit from being around other caregivers, says Sara Sutton Fell,
founder and CEO of FlexJobs, a service that helps people find flexible and
telecommuting career opportunities. Fell, a working mom, herself, suggests
mothers respond to that guilt-inducing question with: "My children are
with people who are adding value to their lives and supporting my ideas of how
they should be raised."
Or, if you're like JJ DiGeronimo of Cleveland, OH, explain
that you make up for hours apart from your kids with lots of quality time
together. "I give my children the one-on-one time they demand when I'm
home. I'm not sure I'd be playing on the floor as much if I was there all the
time," she says.
3. Did you hear about that study on children of working moms?
Everyone seems to have a know-it-all friend or relative who
likes to mention "research" which "proves" that some
parenting choices doom children. But only a mom knows what's best for her family,
says Fell. Plus, "studies flip flop," she adds. In other words, best
parenting practices are always changing. So instead of second-guessing
yourself, avoid the Debbie Downers as best you can. And when people share the
latest findings with you, try ending the conversation with "thanks for
sharing" or Fell's go-to response: "I've read that there are lots of
benefits for children of working moms."
4. It must be nice to get a break from the kids.
"Working is a break in that a mom is getting the chance
to focus on her professional self," says Fell. But, she points out, not
everyone is blessed with a job she enjoys; sometimes it's just a paycheck. This
remark hits a nerve because working moms rarely have a real reprieve. After
all, a mom's still a caring, concerned mom when she's at work. If someone
slings that statement your way, acknowledge that all moms need a break once in
a while. It could segue into suggesting a future girls' night out!
5. You're so lucky to work from home. But why do you need a
nanny?
This implies that work-from-home moms get to play with their
kids and work simultaneously-as if that's actually possible! Dawn Allcot of
West Babylon, NY, a freelance writer, admits she can't be productive without
help. "I need to pay someone to watch my toddlers so I can work," she
says. And that's actually the perfect reply for anyone who's made to feel that
her home-based gig is a breeze. In fact, Allcot notes, many employers who allow
telecommuting ask for proof of childcare if kids are home. Although moms
working from home do some housework/childcare during business hours, hired help
goes a long way. "If a parent can concentrate on work by having a nanny,
the work is less likely to invade the non-work hours," says Dr. Shelton.
6. "Why have kids if someone else is going to take care
of them?"
Ouch! This hints that you entered into parenthood without
thinking it through. A family friend recently chastised Laura Perez of Newark,
NJ, for considering having a second child when she was already a working mom of
one. "It's horrible to think that you're not caring for your child
properly. But just because you're a working mom doesn't mean you care for your
child any less. You just need to find the proper balance," she says. And
that balance is the often the result of much planning and prioritizing, says
Fell. "No matter our motivations, the decision to be a working mom (or
not) is a difficult and personal one that comes with careful
consideration." Don't hesitate to point that out should you feel like you're
being criticized.
7. You have another school event? Didn't you just leave early
last week?
Rosemarie Poska, a nurse manager and mom of three from Staten
Island, NY, often feels the tug of war between her work schedule and busy
calendar of family activities, so she doesn't enjoy when coworkers question her
work ethic. "Some people say, 'you work banker's hours,' after I put in
two hours before they got to the office, didn't take a lunch break and hardly
went to the bathroom!" she says. Dr. Shelton doesn't think anyone should
resent parents who attend the occasional school event during the day. "We
should recognize that everyone benefits from children who are well cared
for," she says.
If a nosy coworker passes a comment like this, Fell
recommends keeping your response polite and professional without apologizing.
Try: "It's great the company allows me to adjust my schedule to get my
work done and make my family a priority."
8. "I'd miss my kids too much if I worked."
Though the sentiment might have nothing to do with the
working mother who hears it, it can be perceived to mean that working moms must
be so cold-hearted to leave their kids every day, says LaRowe. The truth:
"Missing your kids whenever you're away from them is 'mommyversal,'"
she says. This is a good opportunity to share how adorable it is when your
little ones rush to the door to greet you, make pictures for your office or
call you at work to tell you about their days.
9. Women should be at home with their children.
Can you say old school? "This indicates that mothers are
the only ones who can raise their children," says Fell, adding that
today's family structures aren't like the ones of yesteryear: Grandparents in
the same household, single parents and stay-at-home dads are quite common.
"If you hear this, take a deep breath and remember that someone who tells
you this comes from a different perspective."
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